Handling Criticism

Recipe for Handling a Critic

Ingredients: 4 cloves of garlic, 1 small cross, and 1 bag of fresh parsley

Eat the four cloves of garlic. Hold the small cross directly in front of the critic and say, "Look what I just made. Do you like it?" The critic will be unable to move until he has pointed out the flaws in your design. Breathe normally until you hear the thud if the critic's skull against the floor. Eat the bag of parsley to hide the murder weapon.

Depending on your ethical preferences, that method might not be acceptable to you. For example, some people are morally opposed to eating parsley. If you're one of them, you'll need other strategies. But first you must identify what sort of critic you are dealing with. Critics fall into these four categories:



Types of Critics

1. People who reflexively criticize any idea (contrarians)
2. People who enjoy making you suffer (sadists)
3. People who are angry for no good reason (nuts)
4. People with valid criticisms (bastards)

Contrarian Critics

They are the easiest types of critics to deal with. They're motivated by an obsessive need to demonstrate their brilliance at your expense. For the contrarian, there is no such thing as a good idea that comes from someone else. If you say puppies are fun, he'll will say that puppies eat your slippers. If you say sunny days make you feel good, he'll say the sun gives you wrinkles.

Fortunately for you, the contrarian's predictability is his downfall.


Sadistic Critics

Sadistic Critics are the hardest to deal with, especially at work, because you can't escape them. There's no point in reasoning with sadists because they're only in it for the pleasure of making you feel bad. If you show any weakness, it will only encourage them to do it again. That's why I recommend that you respond to the critic using a strategy that resembles demonic possession. Start by asking yourself, What would Satan do in this situation? Then go with it. If you can spin your head around and spew vomit, that will make a lasting impression on anyone else who was thinking of taking a run at you. The goal is to train al the sadists in your office so that they focus their evil somewhere else.

Sadist:

Your idea is ill-conceived and doomed.

You:

You short-sighted, pompous bag of monkey crap. Your breath smells like the rotting flesh of a thousand corpses!! I'll dance on your grave when my brilliant idea makes billions of dollars! BUWAHHAHAHA!!!

If the sadist complains about your verbal assault, look surprised and say, "Oh... I thought that's what we were doing." Obviously the demonic-possession strategy can have no productive business outcome. But it might make you feel better, and that is its own reward.



People who are Angry for No Good Reason

When you create anything--especially humor--there is a good chance that people will get angry for no good reason. When people get mad for no reason, you will be branded "insensitive."

Valid Criticism

The worst kind of criticism is the kind that is valid. If you are the recipient of valid criticisms you will lose the love and respect that you have worked so hard to earn. Fortunately, you can make up the gap by using trickery to gain additional love and respect that you don't deserve.



-The Joy of Work by Scott Adams